Tough week out at Wrenwood. . .

For the first time in I believe ever in the existence of this blog, this will be a quick one. Honest. Just felt I owed y'all a quickie update, since it's been a week . . .

We've been having some very tough days out here at Wrenwood over the past week and could use some serious peaceful, loving, healing vibes. . . not that you all haven't been so generous in all you've done for us, and you know me, I hate to ask for anything, but. . . whatever you're willing to pass along our way, we'll accept, with open arms and hearts . . . speaking of hearts, mine is heavy, so very heavy, as I type, I can hardly breathe under the weight of it . . . Bob started running a fever a week ago or so, followed by low-grade chills and body aches . . . then, the congestion in the chest, wheezing, labored breathing set in—at first I just noticed it at night when he slept, now seems to be present all the time . . . he's been sleeping a lot more, experiencing periodic bouts of confusion that I initially attributed to an increase in his pain meds, but we backed down on them and it's still present . . . the fever, chills, etc., don't seem to be responding to antibiotics. . . he seems much weaker, energy levels waning, appetite just hasn't been there all week . . . could just be a bug that Bob's having a hard time shaking, could be more going on. . . I was worried enough that I called Penny and Jim and asked them to come up, just to be with us, lend a hand, figuratively and literally. . .

I have this tendency to get a little freaked out and call the hospice on-call nurse when a new symptom arises or with any little change in Bob's condition. The result of this "advocacy:" when Bob's pain increased, so did his meds. Fever increased, antibiotics were delivered the same day. Labored breathing, suddenly an oxygen machine and a nebulizer shows up at the door. A few days ago, Bob said to me, "Jen, I'm in hospice—you can't keep fighting like this for me. Every time you do, another machine shows up, or another drug appears. Ends up being just one more thing for me to take, for me to do. . . I'm tired of all of it all, tired of fighting . . . please, back off, just a bit . . ."

His words made me stop and think, but not before I said, "It's all I've done for you, for the past 17 months—I don't know how to do anything else, except fight for you . . . that mind-shift, from fighting to the "letting go" of hospice isn't an easy transition for me . . . I'm sorry, but I still think you're so worth fighting for . . ." and had to stop because I started crying for what I think was the eighth time that day. And it was only 10 a.m. . . .

Not really sure what's going on, if it's some kind of infection that just needs to run its course, or if something more is going on, if the disease is progressing, taking a deeper hold . . . I remind myself, all day, every day, that no one knows anything for sure—that's been proven time and time again over the past year and a half, and we have to take this step by step, day by day, the way we have been, all along . . . Penny asked if we should take him in, to be seen by someone. Bob refused. "For what?" he asked. Good question . . . Just tonight, Bob announced to us, after suddenly waking from a fitful nap in the recliner, "I think I'm going to feel better tomorrow." We all looked at him. He looked back at us. "I just decided that tomorrow, I'm going to feel better." I know better, after all these years, than to disagree with the man . . . will keep you all posted. Love you all so much . . .

Another quick favor of our faithful followers, if I may . . . a dear friend of mine lost her precious son yesterday. . . she's an amazing woman, her husband an awesome guy—they did so much for usat the benefit, I can't even tell you how grateful we are to have them in our lives. . . I never had the privilege to meet their son, Sam, their Peanut, but I know he was the light of their lives . . . if you could offer up a little prayer, a kind word or whatever is in your heart, to Lisa, Dale and their beloved Sam, tonight, I'd so appreciate it. And I'm sure they would, too . . .

LOVE! to all! xxoo j