Random thoughts on peace, love and boogers . . .

Right now, at this moment in time, I'm filled with an immense sense of peace. Both Bob and I have been receiving the best messages from friends and family over the past several days, weeks . . . from near and far, via e-mail, cards, phone calls, texts, on the blog . . . even on the god-forsaken wasteland of Facebook, incredible messages coming from the most unexpected sources. . . Just wanted to let everyone know, we're feelin' the love . . . even in the midst of a wave of pain, when Bob is overcome and I sit helpless, we're feelin' it . . . even when we have a frustrating appointment that doesn't give us any more answers or information, we're feelin' it. . . .even when he does get a a good meal in the belly and a good night's sleep, we're feelin' it . . . sofa king awesome . . .

Tonight's blog might just be a random collection of thoughts . . . scratch "tonight's blog." Now it's "today's blog," as I just couldn't keep my eyes open last night to finish this last night. . . he had a tough night last night; was up a lot. I heard and saw him get up at least a few times during the course of the evening, Never know when things'll just work and when they won't for him. Night before, he had a pretty good night, he said, ate a good meal, got good sleep (relatively speaking, in his world. He has not had a solid night's sleep in over 2 months. His sleep comes in bits and pieces. A good night is longer bits and pieces punctuated by fewer episodes of pain or sleeplessness. Bad night is more sleeplessness and pain than bits and pieces.).

One night, this past week, when I got home from work, I changed into my jammies and lay in bed near Bob, just to talk. As we were talking, I could feel myself getting more and more tired, till finally I closed my eyes. My words must have been fewer, maybe a little garbled, because I heard Bob's voice softly say, "You're falling asleep, aren't you?" I quickly pulled myself awake, denying it. I do this during movies, too. "No I'm not! I'm just resting my eyes!" But he said, "I can tell. You're tired, go to bed." Then he said, "I'm so jealous of that. I wish so badly I could just slip off to sleep like that, at the end of the day. I don't even know how I fall asleep. . . it's certainly not that peaceful, slipping away, like you were doing . . ." I can't stop thinking about that; the simple act of falling asleep is something Bob hasn't been able to do for over two months. Since then, I constantly think about all the things that I do, that he hasn't been able to do. Sit in a chair. Drive a car. Work. Sit at the dining room table and slowly eat a meal—truly enjoying it. Cook (something other than a can of soup). Go out to dinner or meet a friend for a beer. Take a hike in the woods. Go to Target or grocery shop. Walk the dogs. Snow-blow. . .

Speaking of snow-blowing, I had my personal best time with the snowblower yesterday. 22 minutes to clear the driveway. All in 6th gear. Even with the wind blowing the snow in my face, like walking through a blizzard. Damn, I'm good. 'Course, now this morning, enough snow has blown over the driveway that it needs to be cleared again, but not enough to fire up Big Bertha. Grrr!!!

And, you find the humor where you can these days. I got a text from Bob not long ago, "Rocco just ate the biggest booger ever!" Dear god. "Thanks for sharing that nice li'l tidbit. . . do I want to know how you discover that?" was my reply. "Couldn't reach Kleenex box. Rocco was closer." Bob is nothing, if not resourceful. Said it once, I'll say it again: if we had been members of the Donner party, Bob would have been a survivor. I would have been eaten.

Anyhow, I guess when I started this post (before I got sidetracked), I really just wanted to let everyone know that if we can't respond to e-mails, phone messages or posts you leave on the blog, we do read each and every one of them, and truly feel the love and support, and encouragement you all are sending out. Pretty powerful stuff, like being enveloped by a thick, fuzzy robe, right out of the dryer. I know Bob is amazed, astounded, even, in his "strong and silent" way. He's a humble guy, and doesn't go out of his way to put himself "out there," so seeing/feeling/hearing this outpouring of good stuff from y'all is pretty overwhelming (in a FABULOUS way) for him. Keep it comin'! And, back at ya.